Fear and worry

Ok now this was the original post that I was solely going to do so here goes.I finally realised a few weeks back that pretty much throughout my entire life ive let fear consume me and dictate what i do.Ive worried far too much for my own good and at a detriment to actually enjoying my life.Heres some examples,when i was 17/18 i used to go clubbing quite abit but in all honesty rarely truely enjoyed myself because i was always too on edge and nervous incase somebody hit me as those things happen in clubs from time to time as people will know,not just that but i worried for some odd reason that my drink might get spiked!So I was constantly on alert and never relaxed and that isnt what having fun is all about.Its not to say that i never had good nights out though as i did but i guess it depended on to the degree i was letting my worries and anxiety dictate me.Anyway thats one example and heres a few others,this year ie 2011 id really like to take up boxing and just join a gym to work out generally but im finding it hard to put it into practise because i keep thinking to myself what happens if the people at the boxing gym and the regular gym dont like me or dont take to me or think im an idiot,etc and because of these thoughts its putting me off going and doing those activities.Now another big fear i have is being independent,now as alot of you will know i still live with my parents at the mo which is mainly due to the fact that i have depression and they help me out,etc but a big or actually HUGE fear of mine is that if/when i move out on my own that i wont be able to look after myself properly ie i wont be able to pay my own bills,wont know the correct people to contact if things go wrong ie appliances,etc or wont be able to hold down a job and il end up homeless or living with my parents as a sad 40 odd yr old!On top of those other fears im worried about my mum believe it or not,the reason im worried about her is my mum has invested alot of her time into helping me in numerous different ways and part of me is worried that when i move out and become an independent man that she'll be abit lost and become fed up.Thats a big fear of mine i have to say and its something definietly stopping me progressing i believe.Anyway i guess the general idea of this post was to say that I and we in general shouldnt let fear control our lives as we only live for a amall period of time and we should make the most of that time we have.I think all of us in general in variant degrees let fear dictate us but I guess life is about taking risks and not being afraid,I guess you need a little fear as it keeps you safe but not too much!Anyway thanks for reading and give me feedback.Matt xx

Depression

Now I wasnt going to write this blog post as I hadnt been thinking alot about my depression over the last few weeks but tonight the horrible feelings of depression have hit me for no real reason whatsoever,nothing has happened to make me feel fed up and yet for some reason i feel utterly empty tonight,its the strangest feeling to try and explain to someone.A part of you feels like crying and yet you dont know why!I think i need to keep myself more occupied if im honest and that is something im working on at the moment.I think alot of the time depression is an underestimated affliction by people who dont suffer nor have suffered from it,its genuinely something i wouldnt wish on anyone because feeling sad for no reason is not fun.I always know when im feeling abit low in my mood as i dont feel like talking and lose interest in things,luckily on the whole the feeling doesnt last too long and i usually snap out of it fairly quickly and am back to my annoying self!Lol.Anyway all I want to say is for non depression sufferers to go easy on people who do suffer from the condition because i know at times some of you think its just us feeling sorry for ourselves but speaking on account of myself i can honestly say that isnt the case!Its a genuinely horrible lonely feeling.Anyway take care and thanks for reading.Matt x

Anxiety levels up

Now its 3:50 am,ive woken up and feel jittery and on edge,I know this feeling only too well!My Anxiety and subsequent panic attacks are primarily related to one thing and that is EATING!Now people will read this and think ive have some kind of eating disorder like anorexia or something and i can assure you its nothing of the like.For aslong as I can remember and i genuinely dont know where this came from aside from at one particular time i thought i was dying or something ive been absolutely scared to death of vomiting!Whereby a normal person rationalises it, my mind seems to be overwhelmed by negative thoughts and scenarios if it strongly feels like im going to be sick.Basically sheer terror sets in instead of oh im being sick because i have a bug or something didnt agree with my stomach i get all these thoughts and questions rush into my head in a really overwhelming manner,things like "How do you know that it isnt something more serious?!" "if i throw up then my heart is going to race and it wont slow down and im going to have a heart attack and die!" I know to rational 'normal' people this just seems bizarre and hard to fully grasp but I can assure you its bloody horrible!Fear and the human mind are both powerful tools whether they're working in your favour or against it!Ok seeing as I went off on a bit of a tangent there il explain how eating comes into this,well here goes,Over the last few days for some reason my appetite hasnt been good and ive not eaten as much as i should because of that.Well what starts to happen is I start relating eating to throwing up and thus dying!Yes its screwed up isnt it!!However on the same token i have the fear and its a rational one of well if i dont eat then il starve to death eventually!So basically the cycle goes round and round,a constant stream of doom and worry and i wouldnt wish it on anyone because the thing ive found over the years is that fear itself is normally worse than the thing that you're fearful of!Anyway I hope I gave you some kind of insight into my screwed up little brain!Lol.Thanks for reading,Matt x

feeling let down

As some of you may well know a few days ago I kinda had an argument with a young lady on twitter after she said something that was pretty hurtful towards me,anyway i'l set the scene.Me,the young lady in question and another gent were talking about something as the guy made a comment about James corden the tubby comedian for anyone who doesnt know that,well anyway the guy said he was an unfunny prick or something along those lines.Next thing that happens is she RT's what he said but at the end of the tweet said just like him ie me,It was a little out of the blue and il admit it stung me a little as im far too sensitive for my own good!Well that was fair enough because i just took it as abit of banter and said something back in kind,the next thing i know she has said that noone on twitter finds me funny and infact everyone is laughing at me,now im not gonna lie,that really did hurt!I didnt understand why she had suddenly said this to me when before we had joked around and it had been good natured.Anyway moving on from this I had a couple of people tweet me after i had RT'd what she said saying you're just being over sensitive,etc.Admittedly I am over sensitive and its a flaw of mine but the comment of "everyone is laughing at you" was too much for me and too close to the bone i felt.Well these same people who said this to me have now started following her and have become kinda pally with her,I feel hurt by this because these were people i considered good friends in the twitter sense you know and it feels like ive been stabbed in the back im not going to lie!I put alot of trust in people and im very open about myself as people will know but in this case i feel pretty hurt by whats happened.Anyway thanks for reading,matt.

Twitter

Now I joined twitter about a year ago now i'd say and its been a rollercoaster of emotions for me to be honest,alot good and some bad.I definietly think its helped me in a certain ways as it has inspired me to push forward with my life as when you read tweets of what people are doing with themselves and you're not it can be quite upsetting but also motivating which is a good thing.Ok now where do I start,most of the people ive chatted to on there have been very friendly,understanding and supportive,however I have encountered a few who were pretty nasty and intolerant and just not the nicest of people which at the time got to me but with time as most things those feelings subsided.I guess my biggest problem with twitter has been at times ive become too emotionally attached to people who in reality are complete strangers,in normal circumstances I dont believe i'd do that but because I have a lack of friends at the present time due to my situation ive definietly been guilty of that.Ive had alot of comments from people saying things like "this is twitter,its meant to be fun.You shouldnt take it seriously as its not real" and those people are right it isnt real but my circumstances are alot different to most people and hence i develop attachments to people.In the end it normally comes back to bite me if im honest as someone who seems like a very good friend on twitter one minute can suddenly stop talking to you the next out of the blue and thats something ive definietly found to deal with at times,the fickleness of it.On the upside though ive met some very nice,very supportive people who whilst we dont know each other in real life have treated me like a true friend and have always been there to help me when ive felt fed up and im truely grateful for that.It shows that there is genuine,decent people out there who care,even if they dont know you properly!So to summarise id say my time on twitter has been mixed,it has this weird affect on you (me) whereby it seems like real life but its not,that might sound odd but its definietly the case.Ive enjoyed it on the whole though as I like interacting with people and whilst being a recluse have never been an anti-social person overrall.Also something ive been majorly guilty of is letting the reaction i get on twitter ie replies,etc dictate my mood ie if I get alot and they're positive I feel good about myself but if i get very few and the ones i do get arent the best then i tend to feel like crap and thats a silly way to go on as im letting other people dictate my emotions! Anyway thanks for reading and tell me what you think with comments and feedback!Matt xx

2011

Now 2011 is a big year for me,I can either sink or swim,continue going down the same path that im currently following which isnt getting me anywhere or make big changes.You see the reason why its a big year for me is I turn 26 very shortly and time goes quicker than you think,I dont want to wake up one day and think oh my god ive wasted my life and know theres absolutely nothing I can do about it,the old saying is something like money can buy you alot of things but not time,lost time atleast!In all honesty alot of the time im stuck in two minds,I want to make the changes needed to live the life I want and make the most out of it but on the other hand im consumed with fear,the fear that I wont be able to look after myself ie pay my own bills and I dont even mean financially I just mean organising myself the fear that I cant look after myself genuinely,etc.I guess alot of it comes down to my lack of self confidence which affects every area of my life and makes me put things off.You see whilst im 25 in age I still feel like a scared little boy alot of the time and literally feel like I cant do things for myself.Then I have a fear of if I do become a confident guy will I still be me?!You see when you've thought a certain way for so long that no matter how good or bad it is for you if affects the way you view life generally,I think another part of my fear and this is gonna sound very weird to everyone reading it is that im scared that if I do become a confident guy will I still view the world around me the same?Will i still see life as exciting and dangerous,etc or will it become mundane,sedate and kinda dull?!This is all worries me quite abit,Also another deep underlying fear i have is i think that im scared to take a risk incase i fail,not because im scared of failure perse but because im scared that if i fail Il have nothing better to aim for and nothing to look forward to and be positive about.This worries me alot im afraid to say.Another major problem I have is im too sensitive,someone can say something very small or even in a light hearted way and il immediately take it too heart and feel genuinely upset which is silly i know but i dont know how to stop being like that!At this moment in time my emotions,feelings,feeling of self worth are completely based on other people.So if someone says something positive about me I feel good about myself but if its something negative or mean in nature instead of just shrugging it off like most people do it really gets to me and i feel very hurt.So someone can say to me you're a piece of crap and you'll never amount to anything and whereas alot of people will go oh yeah and it drives them to prove people wrong with me I take it as being gospel and then just feel really deflated and worthless,its an irrational way of seeing things but yet i still do it.See aslong as I can rememeber ive put everyone above myself in terms of value so if someone says something to me then it has to be true although it seems to be more the case with negative comments rather than positive ie someone can say something positive and il think oh yeah and be happy for abit but then come back to doubting myself,whereas with the negative comments my feelings about them almost become set in stone immediately and i just accept that i cant do anything,achieve anything,etc.Another example il give is as alot of people know who follow me im a big boxing fan and one thing i really want to do is join a gym and start learning to box myself,just for self-defense and fitness and just because i enjoy the sport genuinely,anyway well i keep putting it off because of fear but not the rational fear of being hit but the fear of what the other boxers in the gym will think of me,etc.You see im absolutely terrified of how people will perceive me and this goes for whatever i do.Say if im walking down the road,im worried that I might be walking funny or just general fear that people are perceiving me in a negative light and this completely absorbs my mind to the point where im distracted and not concentrating fully on what im doing!I guess it was the fear of how people see me,etc that led to me becoming a recluse in the first place because i felt safe in my own little bubble,nobody was judging me,it was just my family around me and i felt comfortable around them as i know they dont care about anything aside from me being happy.Another major reason why I need to push forward this year is my family,especially my mum and grandad,I know that me just staying in and letting my life pass me by is very upsetting for my mum in particular and she worries alot about me and especially as she's getting older as she's afraid of what will happen to me if something happens to her.Then you have my grandad who I spent a hell of alot of time with as a kid staying with and going to football matches,etc and since i became reclusive we barely have a relationship and he's very worried about what will happen to me aswell i know.So aside from my own selfish reasons for wanting to push forward i also have to think about the impact this all has on my family and thats quite hard actually as thinking in this kind of way makes you very self absorbed and selfish without meaning to be.One final thing i want to address is going on some of the feedback from my other posts some people seemed to get the impression that I hate life and that isnt accurate at all,I dont hate life,im just afraid of it!I guess that whilst Im a grown man physically im still a little boy on the inside who's scared of growing up and being my own man.Anyway Thanks alot for taking the time to read this again,its greatly appreciated and I welcome feedback and comments please.Take care Matt x

My complex relationship with the female gender

I was inspired to write this post after seeing something that reminded me of my inadeqaucies with the fairer sex in my early years.To put it into context my early years really could of been the inspiration for all the films like superbad,40 yr virgin,american pie,etc i was that bad!I literally didnt understand girls and I had two sisters aswell which makes it even more bizarre!I'd somehow got it into my head that females think completely differently to guys,literally to the extent that they wernt human! *I know to some extent thats true but i took it to another level!Ha*Anyway because of this way of thinking when a girl would start talking to me i would literally stand there like some kind of mute,afraid of what to say because i didnt know what interested them.So I got a rep as being kinda weird which looking back I cant complain about really!I mean I remember another time when I was pinned to see a tree by two girls and they snogged me!Lol.Must boys would like that but i was scared!Ha.You see reading my complete failure with the fairer sex would probably make you come to the conclusion that i was a geeky looking kid,etc but I actually wasnt,I was a good looking kid by all accounts but had developed a very bizarre theory!lol.Anyway I thought id share that with you as looking back it was pretty funny and cringeworthy in equal measures!Thanks for reading and tell me your thoughts!Adios Matt :)