2011

Now 2011 is a big year for me,I can either sink or swim,continue going down the same path that im currently following which isnt getting me anywhere or make big changes.You see the reason why its a big year for me is I turn 26 very shortly and time goes quicker than you think,I dont want to wake up one day and think oh my god ive wasted my life and know theres absolutely nothing I can do about it,the old saying is something like money can buy you alot of things but not time,lost time atleast!In all honesty alot of the time im stuck in two minds,I want to make the changes needed to live the life I want and make the most out of it but on the other hand im consumed with fear,the fear that I wont be able to look after myself ie pay my own bills and I dont even mean financially I just mean organising myself the fear that I cant look after myself genuinely,etc.I guess alot of it comes down to my lack of self confidence which affects every area of my life and makes me put things off.You see whilst im 25 in age I still feel like a scared little boy alot of the time and literally feel like I cant do things for myself.Then I have a fear of if I do become a confident guy will I still be me?!You see when you've thought a certain way for so long that no matter how good or bad it is for you if affects the way you view life generally,I think another part of my fear and this is gonna sound very weird to everyone reading it is that im scared that if I do become a confident guy will I still view the world around me the same?Will i still see life as exciting and dangerous,etc or will it become mundane,sedate and kinda dull?!This is all worries me quite abit,Also another deep underlying fear i have is i think that im scared to take a risk incase i fail,not because im scared of failure perse but because im scared that if i fail Il have nothing better to aim for and nothing to look forward to and be positive about.This worries me alot im afraid to say.Another major problem I have is im too sensitive,someone can say something very small or even in a light hearted way and il immediately take it too heart and feel genuinely upset which is silly i know but i dont know how to stop being like that!At this moment in time my emotions,feelings,feeling of self worth are completely based on other people.So if someone says something positive about me I feel good about myself but if its something negative or mean in nature instead of just shrugging it off like most people do it really gets to me and i feel very hurt.So someone can say to me you're a piece of crap and you'll never amount to anything and whereas alot of people will go oh yeah and it drives them to prove people wrong with me I take it as being gospel and then just feel really deflated and worthless,its an irrational way of seeing things but yet i still do it.See aslong as I can rememeber ive put everyone above myself in terms of value so if someone says something to me then it has to be true although it seems to be more the case with negative comments rather than positive ie someone can say something positive and il think oh yeah and be happy for abit but then come back to doubting myself,whereas with the negative comments my feelings about them almost become set in stone immediately and i just accept that i cant do anything,achieve anything,etc.Another example il give is as alot of people know who follow me im a big boxing fan and one thing i really want to do is join a gym and start learning to box myself,just for self-defense and fitness and just because i enjoy the sport genuinely,anyway well i keep putting it off because of fear but not the rational fear of being hit but the fear of what the other boxers in the gym will think of me,etc.You see im absolutely terrified of how people will perceive me and this goes for whatever i do.Say if im walking down the road,im worried that I might be walking funny or just general fear that people are perceiving me in a negative light and this completely absorbs my mind to the point where im distracted and not concentrating fully on what im doing!I guess it was the fear of how people see me,etc that led to me becoming a recluse in the first place because i felt safe in my own little bubble,nobody was judging me,it was just my family around me and i felt comfortable around them as i know they dont care about anything aside from me being happy.Another major reason why I need to push forward this year is my family,especially my mum and grandad,I know that me just staying in and letting my life pass me by is very upsetting for my mum in particular and she worries alot about me and especially as she's getting older as she's afraid of what will happen to me if something happens to her.Then you have my grandad who I spent a hell of alot of time with as a kid staying with and going to football matches,etc and since i became reclusive we barely have a relationship and he's very worried about what will happen to me aswell i know.So aside from my own selfish reasons for wanting to push forward i also have to think about the impact this all has on my family and thats quite hard actually as thinking in this kind of way makes you very self absorbed and selfish without meaning to be.One final thing i want to address is going on some of the feedback from my other posts some people seemed to get the impression that I hate life and that isnt accurate at all,I dont hate life,im just afraid of it!I guess that whilst Im a grown man physically im still a little boy on the inside who's scared of growing up and being my own man.Anyway Thanks alot for taking the time to read this again,its greatly appreciated and I welcome feedback and comments please.Take care Matt x

My complex relationship with the female gender

I was inspired to write this post after seeing something that reminded me of my inadeqaucies with the fairer sex in my early years.To put it into context my early years really could of been the inspiration for all the films like superbad,40 yr virgin,american pie,etc i was that bad!I literally didnt understand girls and I had two sisters aswell which makes it even more bizarre!I'd somehow got it into my head that females think completely differently to guys,literally to the extent that they wernt human! *I know to some extent thats true but i took it to another level!Ha*Anyway because of this way of thinking when a girl would start talking to me i would literally stand there like some kind of mute,afraid of what to say because i didnt know what interested them.So I got a rep as being kinda weird which looking back I cant complain about really!I mean I remember another time when I was pinned to see a tree by two girls and they snogged me!Lol.Must boys would like that but i was scared!Ha.You see reading my complete failure with the fairer sex would probably make you come to the conclusion that i was a geeky looking kid,etc but I actually wasnt,I was a good looking kid by all accounts but had developed a very bizarre theory!lol.Anyway I thought id share that with you as looking back it was pretty funny and cringeworthy in equal measures!Thanks for reading and tell me your thoughts!Adios Matt :)

An introduction to me for people who know little about me

Ok,my Name is Matt for people who Dont know and im 25 and very nearly 26.Anyway heres about me and the problems that currently are upon me which i very much want to overcome,i guess the first part of this story begins when i was about 18 when i was first diagnosed with depression.To be honest the signs that something wasnt quite right had been there for a few months,I felt a strong feeling of lethargy and just apathy in general.Somebody could of literally came upto me and punched me in the face and i wouldnt of reacted atleast with anger anyway which is what usually would happen if someone did that to me.I just felt empty,theres no other way to describe it really and not long after that i went through a phase of going to my local shops and buying booze and sitting up of a night getting drunk by myself because for a brief period of time i felt happy whilst drunk.My parents and my mum in particular noticed that something wasnt right and i got taken to the doctor where they diagnosed me with clinical depression and i was given anti-depressants.Anyway as time went by I started distancing myself from friends as i felt kinda ashamed of my problems and knew they wouldnt understand!So I basically stopped going out and over time this got worse and worse and i closed myself off from everyone basically.Hardly spoke to my parents either,just stayed in my room doing my own thing.I literally relied on parents to do everything for me like i was a young kid ie pay my bills,shop for me,etc.If I did try and go out I would have severe panic attacks where i thought that i was going to faint,have a heart attack or ultimately die and it felt completely horrible and terrifying.This only added to my feelings of not wanting to leave my house as i felt safe and in my own little bubble i guess.The more i did this though the more i got sucked into it and 7/8 years later here i am!Ive definietly improved somewhat but its a real struggle at times and very easy to just stay like this.However i dont want to wake up one day and be 40 odd and think what the hell have i done with my life and have aload of regrets!In all honesty though ive had problems since i was a kid,i remember when i was in primary school and i had a cleanliness obsession and i would wash my hands till they nearly bled and the school were worried about me and i was sent to see a psychiatrist who diagnosed me as having an anxiety disorder,I also had issues surrounding food and i would literally hide food so that i didnt have to eat it!It wasnt anorexia or anything like that though,I had and still do have to an extent a huge phobia of vomiting and somehow i linked eating with throwing up in my mind and thus my irrational brain came to the conclusion that if i didnt eat then i wouldnt be sick!Anyway as you can imagine this caused alot of worry for my parents and family as they were genuinely scared that i would end up starving myself to death.Also another thing that has majorly affected my life and held me back in a big way is the severe lack of confidence i have,Ive always felt that im crap at everything i do and that other people are better than me.Anyway i was always desperate to be liked by people and people saw through this and some people abused it,i had people i thought were my friends taking the piss out of me and even in some cases bullying me.This led to me feeling even worse about myself and the vicious cycle went on and on like that.One example of me being desperate to be liked by people was when i was about 10 I actually stole money off my mum to buy kids in area ice cream,i never bought myself anything with the money it was just another wasted attempt of wanting to feel important.Anyway at this moment in time im doing a combined business/economics degree with the open university and trying to progress with my life somewhat.Its a daily struggle alot of the time though as i struggle with motivation as i dont have anything to do with myself,Quite often i feel like getting a job and i know what would help me get into a routine but the problem is I dont have any qualifications and very little work experience.Its like a vicious cycle at times and it gets me down and id be lying if i hadnt thought of ending my life at times,the thing that stops me though is the thought of my family and the affect it would have on them.Not so much now but in the past i quite often i used to cry myself to sleep at night and feel very hopeless but ive definietly improved somewhat since those days,dont get me wrong every now and again the feeling comes back but its rarer now.Anyway I know this has been an extremely long post but i guess i just wanted to really give a good insight into myself!Thanks alot for reading it and feel free to ask me questions....Thanks matt :)