2011

Now 2011 is a big year for me,I can either sink or swim,continue going down the same path that im currently following which isnt getting me anywhere or make big changes.You see the reason why its a big year for me is I turn 26 very shortly and time goes quicker than you think,I dont want to wake up one day and think oh my god ive wasted my life and know theres absolutely nothing I can do about it,the old saying is something like money can buy you alot of things but not time,lost time atleast!In all honesty alot of the time im stuck in two minds,I want to make the changes needed to live the life I want and make the most out of it but on the other hand im consumed with fear,the fear that I wont be able to look after myself ie pay my own bills and I dont even mean financially I just mean organising myself the fear that I cant look after myself genuinely,etc.I guess alot of it comes down to my lack of self confidence which affects every area of my life and makes me put things off.You see whilst im 25 in age I still feel like a scared little boy alot of the time and literally feel like I cant do things for myself.Then I have a fear of if I do become a confident guy will I still be me?!You see when you've thought a certain way for so long that no matter how good or bad it is for you if affects the way you view life generally,I think another part of my fear and this is gonna sound very weird to everyone reading it is that im scared that if I do become a confident guy will I still view the world around me the same?Will i still see life as exciting and dangerous,etc or will it become mundane,sedate and kinda dull?!This is all worries me quite abit,Also another deep underlying fear i have is i think that im scared to take a risk incase i fail,not because im scared of failure perse but because im scared that if i fail Il have nothing better to aim for and nothing to look forward to and be positive about.This worries me alot im afraid to say.Another major problem I have is im too sensitive,someone can say something very small or even in a light hearted way and il immediately take it too heart and feel genuinely upset which is silly i know but i dont know how to stop being like that!At this moment in time my emotions,feelings,feeling of self worth are completely based on other people.So if someone says something positive about me I feel good about myself but if its something negative or mean in nature instead of just shrugging it off like most people do it really gets to me and i feel very hurt.So someone can say to me you're a piece of crap and you'll never amount to anything and whereas alot of people will go oh yeah and it drives them to prove people wrong with me I take it as being gospel and then just feel really deflated and worthless,its an irrational way of seeing things but yet i still do it.See aslong as I can rememeber ive put everyone above myself in terms of value so if someone says something to me then it has to be true although it seems to be more the case with negative comments rather than positive ie someone can say something positive and il think oh yeah and be happy for abit but then come back to doubting myself,whereas with the negative comments my feelings about them almost become set in stone immediately and i just accept that i cant do anything,achieve anything,etc.Another example il give is as alot of people know who follow me im a big boxing fan and one thing i really want to do is join a gym and start learning to box myself,just for self-defense and fitness and just because i enjoy the sport genuinely,anyway well i keep putting it off because of fear but not the rational fear of being hit but the fear of what the other boxers in the gym will think of me,etc.You see im absolutely terrified of how people will perceive me and this goes for whatever i do.Say if im walking down the road,im worried that I might be walking funny or just general fear that people are perceiving me in a negative light and this completely absorbs my mind to the point where im distracted and not concentrating fully on what im doing!I guess it was the fear of how people see me,etc that led to me becoming a recluse in the first place because i felt safe in my own little bubble,nobody was judging me,it was just my family around me and i felt comfortable around them as i know they dont care about anything aside from me being happy.Another major reason why I need to push forward this year is my family,especially my mum and grandad,I know that me just staying in and letting my life pass me by is very upsetting for my mum in particular and she worries alot about me and especially as she's getting older as she's afraid of what will happen to me if something happens to her.Then you have my grandad who I spent a hell of alot of time with as a kid staying with and going to football matches,etc and since i became reclusive we barely have a relationship and he's very worried about what will happen to me aswell i know.So aside from my own selfish reasons for wanting to push forward i also have to think about the impact this all has on my family and thats quite hard actually as thinking in this kind of way makes you very self absorbed and selfish without meaning to be.One final thing i want to address is going on some of the feedback from my other posts some people seemed to get the impression that I hate life and that isnt accurate at all,I dont hate life,im just afraid of it!I guess that whilst Im a grown man physically im still a little boy on the inside who's scared of growing up and being my own man.Anyway Thanks alot for taking the time to read this again,its greatly appreciated and I welcome feedback and comments please.Take care Matt x